How to Woo Someone In Five Simple Steps
by particularly good finder
Summary: Kurt and Santana are not friends; they are partners in crime. And they will do anything to make sure they both end up with the people they love. Brittana. Klaine.


**This is the stand-alone sequel to _Milk and Cookies_. Like, seriously, you don't have to read the first one to understand this. (Though it would be appreciated if you read both!) All you need to know is that Kurt has promised to help Santana win back Brittany, and that Santana has promised to help Kurt be sexy. Also, I'm not really sure what this is, exactly, but it took a long time to write so I hope it's decent because I'm tired and I don't wanna redo anything. Reviews are much appreciated. Just sayin'... =)**

* * *

Kurt and Santana sat in a secluded corner of The Lima Bean, scribbling furiously at their own pieces of paper. Kurt's handwriting flooded the paper in neat curls and loops, while Santana's scratched across the white expanse like bite marks. They took simultaneous sips of their drinks, both letting out a sigh.

"Alright, Porcelain, here's my hand-dandy list of sexiness. Of course, we'll still have those lessons I promised you, but here's a starter sheet to warm you up." Santana shoved the paper into his hand, crossing her arms smugly.

Kurt looked at the sheet. At the top, it read: **How To Be Super Sexy And Seduce That Stupid Hobbit Kid, Or Die Trying**_**. **_

"Lovely title, San. You should consider a career in poetry," he remarked, scanning the page.

**1. Have sex.  
****2. Watch porn.  
****3. Learn how to flirt.  
****4. Use your innocence to your advantage.  
****5. Get over your fears.**

"I'm not having sex with you," Kurt said, scowling. Santana shrugged.

"Never said it had to be me."

He sighed. "Porn depresses me."

'You're obviously watching the wrong porn then."

The boy sighed, then handed his own sheet of paper over to Santana. "Look, here's my plan to win Brittany back. If we follow the directions, it _should_ work…"

The ex-cheerleader chewed on her lip as she read:

_How to Woo a Girl Who Can't Remember Her Own Middle Name (and Has a Boyfriend)._

_1. Introduce Artie to new girl.  
__2. Convince Artie that Brittany loves Santana.  
__3. Break up with Sam (and find him a new girl.)  
__4. Get Artie to leave Brittany for new girl.  
__5. Take a risk._

"What? Since when has getting Sam a new girl been part of the plan? That's _two_ cheerleaders I have to trick!"

Kurt shook his head. "Don't worry, I got Sam covered. Unless he really _is_ gay. Then he's _my_ backup plan."

Santana rolled her eyes, taking a large gulp of her coffee. "Whatever, Hummel. I'll give your grandma a sponge-bath if it means getting Brittany."

Kurt smiled. "So, by the end of this month we're going to be able to change those "single" statuses on Facebook, right?"

The ex-cheerleader shrugged. "Well, unless Frodo goes blind or something, I think I'd say our chances are pretty good."

And so the month of March began.

* * *

**1. Have sex.**

"No. No, no, no, no, _no_."

"Oh, _loosen up_."

"You are _not_ giving me a blowjob!"

"Handjob?"

"NO."

"Grinding?"

"Santana, no-"

"We can keep our clothes on. Well, most of them."

"I'm going to leave now…"

"At least let me _see_ you naked."

"NO!"

Santana fell back against her bed, groaning. "You are probably the _hardest_ lay I've _ever_ had to deal with."

Kurt threw his hands in the air. "I'm _gay!_ I don't want to have sex with a girl!"

"Just close your eyes and pretend it's a guy sucking on your dick. It'll feel pretty much the same."

"No, that is just so many levels of _wrong_."

"Hey, at least your first time will have been _good_. You can trust me on that." Santana said smugly, licking her lips. Kurt groaned hitting his head against the wall.

"_No_. My first time will be special because it will be with someone I _love_."

Santana sighed, crossing her arms in frustration. "Look, you can't be sexy if you're some sort of Virginity Fairy or something. You have to know how to do _something_. Or look hot while being _ravished_. I can teach you that."

Kurt sighed. "Can you teach me that without actually forcing me into sex?"

The ex-cheerleader shrugged. "I _am_ a pro. And every pro needs a challenge."

She kneeled on her bed, motioning for Kurt to lie down next to her. He obeyed, but reluctantly so, and his face flushed a bright red color. Santana leaned over Kurt, grinning wickedly.

"So, first, you need to take control. No, don't _do_ anything, but mentally take control. Now, if I just inch my hand up _here_," she said, grabbing at Kurt's thigh. He shuddered, swallowing loudly.

"No, don't look sick," Santana commanded. "Look…prepared. Look like you _want_ my hand there."

"But I really don't."

"_Pretend_, Porcelain. You're an actor."

"Fine."

Santana trailed her hand upwards, inching closer and closer to-

"_Alright!_ That's _enough_!" Kurt shrieked, batting her hand away. Santana groaned buried her head in a pillow, pushing Kurt off the bed. He landed rather childishly on his butt, scowling at the ex-cheerleader.

"I think that's enough sexy lessons for tonight. Just…just go home and have fun with your right hand. Maybe that'll be enough to make you less of a virgin."

* * *

_1. Introduce Artie to new girl._

"So…how long have you two known each other?" Jenna asked, playing with her ponytail. Kurt and Santana shared a look; neither one was happy about the events of the evening.

"Oh, um…well, we've been friends for about a year now…" Kurt trailed off, biting his cheek. He would hardly consider Santana to be his _friend_; more like partner in crime.

"But he finally just plucked up the courage to ask me out a couple weeks ago," Santana gushed, voice sickeningly sweet. "He's just so precious, I had to say yes." For emphasis, she pinched Kurt's cheek. He resisted the urge to punch her.

"Oh, yeah, well, you know how intimidating Sanny-bear can be one-on-one. Asking her out was one of the scariest things I've ever done," Kurt played along, gritting his teeth. Artie didn't even seem to notice that his friends were pretending to be a couple; his gaze never left Jenna's face.

Jenna seemed happy with this story, and began digging in to her pasta. Santana grabbed another breadstick, and Kurt picked at his salad. Artie's meal was left untouched.

"Thanks for coming with us tonight, Jenna," Kurt said, smiling. "We originally invited Artie and Mercedes, but Mercedes had to bail last minute, and we didn't want Artie to feel uncomfortable around our…PDA…"

"No problem. This is fun. So… what happened to that Sam guy?" Jenna asked, mouth full of food. Santana paled; she was still technically dating Sam.

"I mean," Jenna continued. "Did he finally come out? Seriously, I didn't know you were one to go for the flamers, but I guess he _is_ cute." Kurt swallowed loudly, shooting Santana a glance.

"Oh, yeah, um, yes, I think he's close to coming out." Santana lied, shrugging. "S'okay. He's still killer in the sack."

"If you ladies…and Kurt…will excuse me, I have to visit the little boys' room," Artie said, excusing himself from the table. He seemed to be primarily talking to Jenna, who smiled sweetly at him.

"Speaking of being killer in the sack…" Santana continued, eyes following after the light-up wheels on Artie's wheelchair. "While I haven't tapped _that_…" She nodded after the boy. "I've heard pretty nice things about Artie in bed. He can't really move, but he's a great kisser, and knows how to use his hands."

Jenna's eyes lit up. "_Really_? He is kinda cute…but isn't he dating Brittany?"

Kurt gritted his teeth, but Santana stayed calm. "Yeah, but…their relationship is on the rocks right now…I really think they're going to break up soon…so, keep an eye out and snatch him when you can." She added a wink at the end, causing Jenna to giggle.

"Sounds like a plan."

Artie rolled up, smiling at Jenna. Kurt resisted the urge to gag. Santana grinned evilly. "So, what'd I miss?"

* * *

**2. Watch porn.**

"I thought only guys watched porn together," Kurt whined as Santana pulled up her internet browser. "I mean, yeah, I'm a guy, and yeah, you're kind of butch, but-"

"Funny, Porcelain. Now shut up and tell me what you're into: twinks, bears, muscle, bondage, barebacking, orgies-"

"_Santana!_" Kurt sounded thoroughly scandalized. "Just-just choose something. Please."

"Fine. Here," she pulled up a video of some longhaired kid getting screwed against a washing machine, screaming obnoxiously.

"Goodness, has he never heard of shampoo? And why would you wear such a bulky earring if you were having sex? What would his mother think? Do you think she knows he did this? Oh, God…" Kurt groaned, burying his head into his hands. "I can't even watch porn like a normal teenager…"

Santana paused the movie, giving Kurt a strange look. "Really, kid? It's two guys fucking, what's _wrong_ with it?"

"I just…it's so _dirty_ and _sloppy_ and _uncaring_ and they're just actors and it doesn't mean _anything_ and they're just _selling out their bodies_ and _how are they not just so scared_-?"

Santana grabbed Kurt's face in her hands, shaking him a little. "Porcelain, _calm down_. It's just sex. It won't kill you."

Kurt nodded, taking a deep breath. "Right, just sex, just an animalistic form of pleasure and recreation…I guess…"

The ex-cheerleader gave Kurt a one-over: he was shaking slightly, gnawing at his lip so hard she thought he was going to draw blood. The color was gone from his face, and he was looking anywhere but at the computer. She sighed, then clicked on another link, examining the video.

When she was happy with the one she found, Santana turned the laptop towards Kurt, pressing Play. "Here, watch this," she commanded. Kurt sighed reluctantly. "Seriously, just trust me on this."

The video was cheesy, set in some private school with two boys in uniforms studying in their dorm room. Kurt's cheeks flushed, obviously connecting the uniforms to Dalton, and the certain Dalton Warbler he was trying to seduce. The boys were pretty young, barely legal, and the way they looked at each other made it obvious that they weren't just strangers making a porno. The smaller one kept grinning stupidly, and the one with the pretty eyes all but jumped his friend when it was time.

"This isn't…that bad…" Kurt muttered, face returning to its normal color. Santana grinned.

Five minutes in, though, Santana was bored. She liked her explicit videos fast and dirty, just like her sex. The two boys had _just_ gotten their shirts off, and were only kissing, but it seemed to be working for Kurt, so Santana kept her mouth shut and started thinking about Brittany.

Ten minutes later she looked back at the video to see the boys finally getting some action, soft and sweet and slow and she was bored again and ready to turn off the video, until she noticed an interesting bulge in Kurt's pants.

"Liking the video?" She asked, winking. He blushed, but nodded.

"It's…less disturbing."

"Or really hot, if your boner has anything to say about it." Kurt flushed again, but there was a smile on his face.

"Just shut up and watch the movie."

"Ay-ay, Captain Tight-Pants."

* * *

_2. Convince Artie that Brittany loves Santana._

Artie was incredibly confused when Kurt showed up on his doorstep, Finn's videogames in one hand, Finn in the other. But Finn sheepishly held up a bag of Doritos and Artie just didn't care enough to turn down their cheesy deliciousness.

It turned out that Kurt wasn't half-bad at video games. Sure, he still got his ass handed to him by both of the other boys, but it wasn't as disastrous as when the entire glee club had tried to teach Brittany how to play Mario Kart. Puck had been on the verge of tears that anyone could bastardize his favorite game the way Brittany did.

"Hey, man, where's your bathroom? I think I just chugged my weight in Mountain Dew," Finn said to Artie, throwing his controller onto the couch. Artie pointed down a hallway.

"First on your right. And hold down the flusher for a couple of seconds or it won't work." Finn nodded, jogging from the room. Kurt took this opportunity to strike.

"So I heard that Brittany and Santana sang a really emotional song together during glee club," he started, nonchalance in his voice. Artie nodded.

"Yeah, I mean, they're such it good friends, it's really sweet."

Kurt rolled his eyes, sighing in exasperation. "Really, now. You think that's _friendship_?"

Artie looked incredibly confused. "What else would it be?" He asked slowly, afraid to know the answer.

Glancing towards the bathroom to make sure Finn couldn't hear, Kurt leaned in and whispered, "Brittany is _so_ in love with Santana. And I'm 99% sure the feeling's mutual."

Artie laughed. "Sex isn't dating, Kurt. Brittany says that all the time."

The brunette boy gave him a _bitch, please_ look, and continued, "Have you seen the way they look at each other. That's love if I ever saw it. They're soulmates."

"B-but-" Artie was getting a little worried now. "If Brittany loves Santana, why is she dating me?"

Kurt smiled sadly. "Would Brittany ever want to hurt you? She's too sweet to do that. She's knows how crushed you would be."

The bespectacled boy sighed sadly. "Why are you telling me this?"

The toilet flushed from the next room, so Kurt whispered quickly, "So you don't get hurt in the end."

* * *

**3. Learn how to flirt.**

"I'm a fermata; hold me?"

"No."

"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"

"No, but it'll hurt when you go to hell for using that line."

"Date me, I'm desperate?"

"Clearly."

"San-_tana_," Kurt whined, hitting his head against the table. "You're not helping me here."

"Fine…" She relented, scowling. "We'll just have to find you a guy to hit on."

Kurt's face paled. "Um, about that-"

"Santana! Kurt!" Sam Evans came up to them, kissing his girlfriend on the cheek. "When you said you were hanging out with a friend, I assumed you meant Brittany."

"Nope, just my Fairy Godmother." Kurt stuck his tongue at her. "What're you do doing here, babe?" She asked, clearly not actually caring about the answer.

"Well, I _was_ going to get some coffee, but I guess I'll just leave to give you two your 'bonding time,'" He said, grinning awkwardly. Santana's eyes lit up.

"_Actually_," she said, pulling her boyfriend into the spare seat. "You're just what we need. Kurt, practice your flirting on Sam. He's cute, he's male-"

"He's straight. Look, you two enjoy your coffee; I'm going to go drown my sorrows in cleaning the entirety of the Hummel-Hudson house. Maybe I can even attempt to sterilize Finn's room…" Kurt stood, picking up his latte. Santana pulled him back down.

"Nope. I promised you that I would help you get Frodo, no matter what. So, flirt with my boyfriend, dammit!"

Sam gave the two of them a strange look. "Are we talking about that short kid from Dalton?"

"Yes. Blaine." Kurt moaned, burying his face in his arms. "And I'm not sexy and apparently he likes sexy and I just really want to not be alone anymore and-"

"Woah, woah, Kurt, it's okay." Sam held his hands up, grimacing. "Please don't cry. The only person who's worse at dealing with crying people than me is Santana, so…it'd be better for all of us if you don't."

"I'm not crying, you Lemon-Head!" Kurt said snappishly. "I'm about to have an emotional breakdown because your girlfriend sucks at teaching!"

"I resent that!" Santana said, crossing her arms. "At least I'm _trying_."

"Are you trying to learn how to flirt?" Sam asked, leaning his elbows on the table. "I can teach you that." Kurt looked up, eyes hopeful. "In fact, I can teach you my secret to picking up gir- I mean, um, getting dates."

Santana rolled her eyes, but Kurt leaned in, nodding eagerly. "Please, I'm desperate!"

Sam leaned in too, grinning. "Alright. All you have to do is say: 'Hey, you're really cute. Would you like to go out to dinner with me?'"

Kurt looked taken aback. "That's it? No pick-up lines, no sweet-talking, no sexual innuendos?"

Sam shrugged. "Look, it's just easier if you're straight-forward. I mean sure, I use my Na'vi skills to impress girls, but it's not all that important to getting the actual date."

Kurt sighed. "Do I even want to know what Na'vi is?"

Santana shook her head. "You really don't."

* * *

_3. Break up with Sam (and find him a new girl.)_

"We're through."

Sam looked up from his locker to see Santana and Kurt standing in front of him. Santana looked bored; Kurt looked apologetic.

"Wait, what?" He asked, quirking his eyebrow. "You're breaking up with me? Why?"

The ex-cheerleader shrugged. "I'm tired of being your big, gay beard. And you talk about Avatar _way _too much."

"But I'm not ga-" Sam tried to defend himself, but Santana just got bored and walked away. Kurt lingered behind, handing Sam a phone number.

"If you're looking for a _real_ relationship," he said, smiling a little.

Sam sighed. "Man, it's not that you're not cool or anything, but I really _am_ straight-"

Kurt blushed. "It's not mine. It's Mercedes'. People overlook her because of her weight, but she is the most beautiful person I've ever met. You should give her a chance."

Sam nodded, smiling. "Thanks, Kurt. Do you know if she's busy tonight?"

The smaller boy's eyes lit up. "Well, she _was_ coming to my house for a sleepover, but I think I might just have to cancel that." Sam grinned, clapping him on the shoulder.

"You're a good friend, Kurt."

"Wait to say that for after she says yes."

* * *

**4. Use your innocence to your advantage.**

"We're going for the sexy-schoolgirl look, okay?' Santana told Kurt as she appraised his appearance. "Not so much the skirt and Mary-Janes…unless Blaine is into that…but more the whole 'innocent' aspect of it. You are a virgin, which means you are inexperienced, and guys find that sexy as fuck if you can pull it off. Of course, most girls who _can_ pull it off are far from innocent or inexperienced, but maybe you can be an exception."

Kurt looked thoroughly uncomfortable with this conversation. "Um…how do I do that?"

Santana grinned. "You have to appear submissive, but secretly be controlling the whole thing. Here, like this…" She pulled out her hair-tie, licking her lips in preparation. Then she straddled Kurt, whining a little.

"Oh, _Kurt…_that feels so _good_…_oh_…" Kurt tried to push her off his lap, but she held on, lips brushing his ear as she pretended to grind against him. "Oh, _please_, be gentle. It won't hurt, will it? Oh, you're so _strong_…your hands feel so _good_ down there…do that some more…"

Kurt finally extracted her from his lap, thoroughly violated. "O-okay, I get it…I have to let him do the work, blah blah blah – that's for the middle of sex, San. What do I do to get him to even _kiss_ me?"

Santana shrugged, settled down on her bed next to Kurt. She took his hand, biting on her lip. "You know…I've never kissed someone before…I'm just so afraid I'll be bad at it…But you seem like you'd be so good at kissing…you're just so confident…it sort of turns me on…" Kurt barely had time to register her sickeningly cutesy voice before her lips were on his and her tongue was down his throat. He pushed her back, scowling.

"And…that's how it would work. If I was you, and you were Blaine. Except let's hope Blaine won't push you away so violently."

Kurt wiped at his mouth, gagging a little. "You taste like pepperoni."

Santana shrugged. "A girl's gotta eat."

"I'm going to go throw up now."

"Have fun."

* * *

_4. __Get Artie to leave Brittany for new girl._

"Are you…breaking up with me?" Santana wanted to cry at the sad look in Brittany's eyes as Artie nodded. God, she was such a selfish bitch. Why couldn't she just leave them alone? Where was Kurt when you needed someone to punch?

"Britt, I love you, but you don't love me back. I want you to be with the person you love," Artie said, smiling sadly. "I want you to be with Santana."

Brittany wrapped her arms around herself. "I love you, too, though."

Artie took her hand, kissing it. "I know, babe, but I can't be with you if you're in love with someone else. Besides, you two are perfect together."

The blonde girl shook her head. "Santana hates me now."

The bespectacled boy shook his head vigorously. "No, she doesn't. She could never hate you."

Brittany pouted, looking down at her feet. "She does, though. I hurt her. She'll never want to be with me now."

Artie motioned for her to push his wheelchair. "Babe, don't worry about that. If she ever really, _really_ loved you – and a little birdie told me that she did and still does – she'll have forgiven already."

Brittany looked happier as she pushed him towards their next class. "Was it Kurt's bird? Pavarotti? 'Cause he's the smartest bird I know!"

* * *

**5**. **Get over your fears.**

Kurt took a deep breath, walking up to Blaine in the semi-deserted hallway at Dalton. The final bell of the day had rung, Warblers practice was over, and it was time for everyone to go home. And time for Kurt to finally make his move.

"Blaine?" He asked, grabbing the boy's hand. Blaine looked up in surprise, grinning.

"Kurt, hey. What's up?"

The thin boy bit his lip, looking up through his eyelashes. "Well, I was hoping that you could…well, what I mean is…I have some questions…of _that_ kind…and even my dad and his pamphlets can't tell me everything…"

Blaine smiled, squeezing Kurt's hand. "Of course, Kurt. What do you have questions about?"

Kurt smiled shyly, rejoicing internally as Blaine's cheeks reddened a little. "Well, I was wondering about…"

"Yeah?" Blaine's voice was a little breathy, but for the most part collected.

And then Kurt's body just took control. "Oh, _screw it_," he muttered as he lunged at Blaine, locking their lips together. Blaine was incredibly surprised, but he reacted quickly, tangling his fingers through Kurt's hair and pulling the boy closer to him. They fell back against a wall, panting heavily and smiling like idiots. Kurt spoke first.

"Damn…I was trying to be all 'sexy.' Santana even gave me lessons…but you were just to cute to resist."

Blaine laughed, pecking Kurt on the lips. "You know, I've been trying to tell you without it sounding too awkward, but you are _so_ much sexier when you're not trying. Please, _please_, stop trying."

Kurt hit him lightly on the arm, then pulled him in for another kiss, wrapping his arms around Blaine's neck.

"Only for you, Blaine. Only for you."

* * *

_5. Take a risk._

"Santana? What are you doing here? It's, like, one in the morning. Unless I forgot Daylight Savings again," Brittany rambled sleepily, rubbing at her eyes. With her tousled hair and barely-clad body shining in the glow of the porch light, Brittany looked like an angel.

"I love you. I've always loved and I always will. Please, _please_, be mine? Be my girl, hold my hand in the hallway, let me kiss you outside of your classroom, dance with me at prom, wake up next to me in mornings…" Santana was already close to tears, her voice thick with emotion.

"But what about those kids at school? I mean, if Kurt couldn't stay…and he was single…" Brittany trailed off, looking down. "Am I really worth it for you?"

Santana grabbed Brittany's face in her hands, resting their foreheads together. "You are worth more than the world to be, Britt. You _are_ my world. Please…"

Brittany smiled, kissing Santana lightly on the lips. "I made a promise, didn't I? I'm _so_ yours."

Santana pulled her into a hug, breathing in the scent of her shampoo and perfume and everything that made this wonderful girl just so _Brittany_.

"I love you," Brittany whispered, burying her face in Santana's neck. Deep in Santana's pocket was a ring; it wasn't very showy, and she would keep it in there for a little while longer, but its presence gave her courage and kept her hopes up for the day she could finally use it.

"I love you, too. Forever."


End file.
